these are the feelings I am feeling right now. first off, I am not a patient person. I want things that I know about to happen NOW so I can deal with them and move on. period. that is the way it is. I have 2 plane trips in the next 3 weeks. I don't like plane trips. too many things to go wrong. too much stress. too much missed sleep. too much chaos in my already chaotic life. even when one of the trips is going to be FUN FUN FUN I still stress about it.
but I think what brought this to a head is some lingering depression. this morning I figured it out: Heath Ledger. well.....more his death than he himself. and no, while i was a fan of his movies he was no one particularly special to me. I realized this morning that I am following his death too closely. I see my brother's death mirrored in his. their solitary ends coming in two unique New York apartments that become one in my mind. I don't mentally see Heath lying on the floor. I see him hunched over his desk. Heath isn't blonde....he has dark hair. and the currently unanswered questions about Heath's death echo the ones I have about my brother. was it accidental? was it on purpose? was he a drug addict? was it just a mistake? and while there will never be answers to my own questions I truly hope they find answers for Heath's loved ones. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone else.