I was originally going to post this blog post on December 18th to coincide with the Festivus Tweet Up and Diaper Drive. that made sense since the Airing of Grievances is an integral part of the Festivus holiday.......... and even though I was unable to attend this awesome event, I didn't want to miss my opportunity to air my grievances. however, in the process of finding a link to inform that one person on the planet who may not already know about Festivus (courtesy of Seinfeld), I found that it isn't on the 18th but rather the 23rd. so there you go!
so now it is the 23rd........and gosh darn it, here are my grievances! (and before anyone starts whining about my first world problems and how much better my life is than many many others......I totally get it! do you not get the sarcasm and humor in all of this?!?! I hope so.......otherwise I kinda wonder why you would even bother to read my blog or be friends with me. I do come with a high level of sarcasm, ya know.)
GRIEVANCES TO BE AIRED: (in no particular order of annoyance)
#1 - People who bum-rush the elevator and/or train.
seriously people! let us OFF the freakin' thing before you barrel your way on! it isn't like the elevator/train is going to slam shut and leave you......and where are you going to go if you don't let US off?!?! sheesh!
#2 - People who scan their access card on the elevator and then don't MOVE away from the scanner so other people can scan their cards.
this is particularly annoying to the chick who has to get off at the first stop (8th floor) and you bum-rushed your way on the elevator (see grievance #1) in the first place so you don't miss YOUR floor.........the 23rd! thanks for that free tour of the entire building!
#3 - People who drive in the carpool lane and aren't.
do I really need to explain that one?
#4 - People who answer questions that were specifically addressed to someone else.
did they use YOUR name when they asked that question? if the answer is no..........SHUT UP!!! (reminds me a little of my favorite movie, Holiday Inn....... "Is your names Miss Linda?" but no where close to being as cute)
#5 - People who use the express check out and have too many items.
(see grievance #3)
#6 - People who think because you work in a cubicle that you are ALWAYS available for whatever they want whenever they decide to walk on in.
yes, because I live to serve..........(super sized sarcasm alert!)
#7 - People who slurp their coffee.
is it because it is too hot? then don't flippin drink it yet.......or stick an ice cube in it.......or go hide in a closet to drink it cuz I don't want to hear you slurping!
#8 - People who eat/drink in my cubicle.
seriously................... go eat in your office, the breakroom, the closet. this is MY office! I don't want your food smells or whatever here. would you seriously do that to someone with an actual office? and if you want to talk to me WHY are you eating?!?! talk with food in your mouth often?
#9 - People who "overshare" their music on the train.
see how polite I was with that?!?!? first.....if I wanted to listen to it, I would play it on my own darn phone. second......you are gonna go deaf you fool! third......how would you feel if I were blasting MY music?!?! I would totally hand out ear buds if I didn't think someone would kick my butt for such an action. oh, and while I totally understand if your goal is to tune out the jerk who has been whining about his car repair woes for the past 20 minutes......I gotta hear it and so do you! welcome to public transportation!
#10 - People who smoke around me, my kids.......anyone's kids.....or in front of buildings.
this falls under the concept that you have every right to kill yourself, slowly, quickly, whatever.....but you do not have the right to endanger anyone else. and probably just as bad is most smoker's sense of entitlement........like they have been wronged.
#11 - People who put their feet up on seats.
this one is basic: would you want someone to put THEIR dirty shoes on something YOU are going to sit on? then don't do it yourself! and while I somewhat expect this kind of horrific behaviour from some of the people on the train, I am thoroughly amazed at how many other places I see it happening.
#12 - People who leave long detailed voicemail messages.
people should assume a few things when leaving messages: 1. the person is going to listen to your message looking for a SUMMARY: name, number, why the heck you are calling. they are not expecting War & Peace. 2. people have a short attention span: limit your message to 15 seconds. 3. they are going to have to call you back to respond so you have a chance to be more specific then.......heck, chances are you are going to have to go through all the detail you so belabored in the voicemail message. and now you have annoyed them because they had to listen to all that "blah, blah, blah" and still have to call you back and hear it again. I feel so strongly about this that I have asked my family to not leave me voicemails on my cell phone. if I don't answer, I'll see that they called and call them back.........or they can send me a text. course that only works if you are dealing with cell phones and not landlines and you recognize the number calling you. so a little slack.......but there is never a need for a 2 minute voicemail message that ends with "so please call me back."
gosh I sound grounchy! but if you look over all my grievances, they come down to one thing: being considerate of others. how difficult is that?!?!? obviously extremely. maybe it is like that guy I met at the movies the other night said: "I don't like people. They are rude."
but now that I have aired my grievances I can warmly wish you and all those annoying people I just complained about a very Merry Christmas..............or whatever politically correct winter time holiday tradition you choose to participate (or not) in!